My favorite episode of Seinfeld is the one where Jerry’s dentist, who was raised Christian, converts to Judaism so he can inoffensively tell Jewish jokes.  Using that logic, I feel I can speak openly and honestly to Christians because I have, after all, been one my entire life.  

To be clear, I take my spirituality extremely seriously.  I have seen God work extraordinary miracles in my life as well as in lives of those around me.  In everything I do, I give Him the glory.  

Although, I must admit, there have been times I’ve seriously wavered.  As you know, I was raised in the good ‘ol Bible Belt.  To a curious and inquisitive child, it often seemed like I was doomed to a life of absolutely no fun and, if I did not cease my evil ways, a one-way ticket to hell. 

I heard one Sunday morning that a man was trying to determine where he should retire, so he decided to visit churches all around the country to see what part he liked best.  In the foyer of each church in California he would see a gold phone with a sign that said, “Phone Call to God — $20,000.”  

On the East Coast, he saw the same sign, but the call was $10,000.  When he reached a church in East Texas, the phone was there but the sign was changed to “Phone Call to God — $0.25.”  Somewhat confused, he asked the preacher why the call was so much cheaper in Texas.  The preacher responded, “Son, you’re in Texas now.  It’s a local call!”  

< My favorite English teacher taught me to always tell a joke before offending a large group of people. >

Thanks to my religious upbringing, feel free to disagree with me on interpretation of scripture all day long, but it would be hard to “out- scripture” me.  For this I give credit to the hours I was drilled on various scriptures — cherry-picked, naturally — with the themes of fiery gates of hell and eternal damnation throughout them.  

I received gold stars on the Scripture Memorization Challenge poster every Sunday morning and Wednesday night, and even competed for several years in the annual Bible Bowl competition.  

Although I have many positive memories of these experiences, I have also seen plenty of people who look like they’ve sucked on sour lemons for decades — so much so that I thought their faces would stick that way permanently. 

Because these people are terrified everyone will see through their sanctimonious façade, they work extra hard to destroy everyone else with their gossip, hypocrisy and judgment.  They love nothing more than to shoot the wounded…which, of course, is the exact opposite of what Jesus would do.

There are scores of amazing people, too.  That is what makes this all the more tragic.  Most Christians have always been — and still very much are —wonderfully compassionate and simply want to be the light of Christ as He intended.  These are Christians who actually read the entire Bible and are held accountable by scriptures many people this day and time seem to disregard, like those on grace, mercy, forgiveness and justice, to name a few.

Christians, we have a serious problem on our hands.  Left unattended, this problem threatens to permanently divide this nation and destroy any potential we have to recapture the true essence of what being a Christian actually means. 

So, my message to all the lemon-juice-sucking people out there:  Quit ruining it for the rest of us!  Christianity is not yours to manipulate and alter to fit your social and political agenda. You have somehow hijacked my faith and managed to create the misperception that the gifts of forgiveness, compassion and grace have been replaced with judgment, hypocrisy and blame.  Evoking God as a political power play not only poisons the water, it poisons the well.

Your abuse and exploitation of Christianity has caused it to be unrecognizable to a majority of Christians and, even more heartbreaking, to those who haven’t yet found the peace of God’s love.  

It reminds me of the middle-aged lady who had a near death experience after a heart attack. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?” “No,” He replied. “You have another 40 years to live.”  

Ecstatic and with a new lease on life, the woman decided to stay in the hospital a few days longer and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even bleached her hair blonde again figuring that, as she had so many years left, she might as well make the most of them.  Just after her release from the hospital, she crossed the street and was hit and killed by an ambulance!  

When she arrived in front of God, she complained, “I thought you said I had another 40 years!  Why didn’t you pull me out of that ambulance’s path?”  God replied, “I didn’t recognize you!”  < See how deftly I did that, once again with the humor? >

Those guilty of these atrocities feel invincible because the religious right has, to my utter disbelief, remained largely influential in politics. But without an infusion of true Christ-like behavior, their days are numbered.

The Public Religion Research Institute (PRRI) — a nonprofit, nonpartisan research and education organization — found that White Christians now account for only 42 percent of all adults living in the United States.  In 1976, that number was 81 percent and in 1990, it was 72 percent.

Also, they found that the youngest religious groups in America are all non-Christian: